Confessions: Prayer (or lack thereof)

This is part of the series Confessions of a Homeschool Dropout. If you follow my blog you know it is mostly about education practice and theory. This year, our life changed and my older kids are in school.  I don't know if this is a permanent change or not. This series is about what I would have done differently if I could start over again.

I was prideful.  I thought my college education, my classroom experiences, my prior jobs, my resume would be enough to carry me through this parenting and homeschooling deal.  If there were holes- I read a book or blog (or 4), listened to a podcast or tried a new coop.  At first, I didn't even see the holes or thought that they were just small issues - time would fix it or I would.  My lips proclaimed Christian education ideals, with God at the center.  However, my private life wasn't prayerful - at all.  I didn't live like God had to show up for us to make it. I didn't actually intercede for my kids; I complained and read.  I didn't listen for God's voice; I sought the expert opinion (witness my blog).  I didn't consider how my children were uniquely made; I tried to fit them in a mold (either mine or the world's).  I lectured my children instead of lifting their hearts and needs to the author and perfecter of their faith. I worked out of my own strength most of the time and I was tired.  It also didn't help my children - at all.  The experts didn't know my children, the mold didn't fit them well and all of that trying wore us out!

If I could do it again I would be MUCH more prayerful.  I would not open a book or blog until I had at least asked God about the subject.  I would recognize problems as an opportunity for God to step in and trust that he would - in his time.  I wouldn't take it all so personally, but I would address it prayerfully. I would see the solitude of being at home as an opportunity to learn more about prayer - to do it, enjoy it and realize that is probably the best impact I could be making most days.  His work in the world is enough. I would see that I can participate with him around the world by being mindful of my world and joyfully join him in it.  Instead I often saw being home as limiting, a trap - I was trying to find ways out to be important and useful.  I missed the opportunity that being home provided me - there was no one and nothing stopping me from seeking God and growing in my faith - except me.  I didn't do it.  I didn't do everything as onto Jesus.  I didn't take the time to be still, to listen, to learn to be faithful in the small things. I missed the blessing and so did my kids. 

I am praying more now.  If you are just starting the journey I encourage you to be prayerful.  It truly is the only thing that can change you or your children.  There is a time for books, experts, lectures and norms - but AFTER you have sought His face first.  I am getting better at seeking him first.  I am a slow learner though.