In the end, obedience is primarily about listening and discerning. We think of it as slavish and unthinking, which to our modern ears, seems naive and possibly dangerous. However, if you are under a good and right authority being obedient is the most restful and comfortable place to be. In the end, that's what I want for my kids while they are in my home. I want them (especially when they are little) to rest in the fact that mom and dad are doing what is best for them. I want them to obey because they trust that we have their best interests at heart. As the adult, that means I need to know, do and expect the good for my children. Honestly, the only way to truly work this out in your life is through prayer, the Word and community. I didn't do this well; I was wishy washy and it made it harder for my kids to find "green pastures" and follow my lead. Too often I was hoping that the next hill over would solve our problems.
There are some simple things I should have done differently:
1. Stick with the plan So many times I said "we are leaving in five minutes" and it turned into 20 or 30 or more. I wanted to be with my friends but I should have stuck to my word. I was teaching my kids that my word isn't sure. I love to explore and try new things (I'll do a whole post on that) but to my kids that looks like changing my mind and uncertainty. Last school year, my oldest would tease me that if he just waited a few weeks, things would change. At times, this went beyond a joke and became straight up disobedience. I had taught him that the directions would change so he didn't REALLY have to follow them. UGH!
2. Talk less. I had heard that you should only give directions that you mean to enforce. I ignored this advice. I verbally process and think aloud often and so my kids were used to a barrage of words. They realized that half the things I said, were half heartedly said and never followed up on. In the end I was teaching them that sometimes I meant it and sometimes I didn't. It became a guessing game for them. They knew I meant it when I started raising my voice, repeating it often enough or otherwise showing them who is boss. Nobody enjoyed that. I know consistency is super difficult when you have littles. I should have done less more faithfully. I should only have given directions if I meant what I said. In the midst of my many words I would forget what I said. I should save my words so that we can all remember them!
3. Give them fewer decisions. I thought young children should practice making decisions to become better at it. Charlotte Mason gives the opposite directive and I should have listened. Decision making is one of the most difficult things to do and we shouldn't burden our children with it. Decision fatigue is a real thing - for all of us. In my quest to help them learn how to "make choices" - I provided too many for myself and for them. I went with the more is better principle. It was the wrong path. They don't need more breakfast choices, clothing choices or options in their studies. What they need is a few "curated" decisions. I pick two outfits and they pick the final one. I make them breakfast and they choose to eat it or not eat it. I don't give them a box of books (or tons of toys) to choose from - I pick three and we go from there. I wanted my kids to have tons of options and enjoy them. In the end, we had too much stuff and no peace. I needed to be the adult and make more decisions for them. This is only for a short season. Once they hit nine or ten - they will need to start making more decisions for themselves.
4. Look them in the eye and tell them what you want. Too often I was yelling directions from somewhere and expecting them to follow them. When they didn't, I would get frustrated - didn't you hear me? Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't, but by now we were both frustrated. I needed to have the discipline to get myself ready and then focus on them and be with them as I gave directions. I should have slowed down, been near them and clearly helped them with what needed to be done. I made excuses but essentially it boils down to being too busy and not being disciplined to get myself ready first.
5. Always give the same answer. My husband and I are pretty good about backing each other up when it comes to kids asking one and then the other. We probably should have been a bit more strict when they even tried this little tactic (often right in front of the other parent, after they didn't get the "right" answer). It is essential that we present a united front - even if we didn't always fully agree with the decision. They tried this just yesterday - it still doesn't work.
6. Act under authority. One reason we keep our kids home is because we want to build relationships and believe that education is more of a life. This allows for tons of freedom. If we aren't careful this can begin to look like we just do whatever we want, however we want, whenever we want. However, it can be overwhelming because it also requires self discipline. No one is guiding you and checking in on you. You have to walk that difficult balance of freedom and responsibility. If you focus too much on the freedom your kids begin to think that life is all about what they want to do. If you just choose the fun parts and leave out the hard parts - your kids will follow suit. You need to model being under authority.
For a while I had trouble singing or teaching my kids the song "Trust and Obey" - that seemed very limiting and unwise. I was the foolish one. As Parker J. Palmer says, "to teach is to create a space in which obedience to truth is practiced." We, as parents, are teaching all the time. We are always worshiping and obeying something and our kids are following suit. Too often, I was just following my own whim or the most recent book I read. Instead of leading them to the sure foundation, I was building on shifting sands. They couldn't discern and listen and follow the truth because I wasn't doing that. Then I wondered where their attitudes, confusion and willfulness came from.
Young children need to trust that their parents have a plan and it is a good one. They need to trust that I know what was is best and they should follow me. Too often I allowed them to present an argument, make an excuse or not follow through. I second guessed myself and forgot where my authority came from. I was teaching them obedience is optional and that truth is hard to grasp.
As I Christian, I trust that the best life is the one where you submit and follow Jesus. However, I have to model that daily. They need to know that I am under authority and obey and they should do likewise. Often, out of fear, we shy away from the authority we are entrusted with and the obedience it requires. Just because it has and can be abused and used poorly does not mean that it is inherently bad. Parenting requires you to choose rightly and exercise your authority so that it is a refuge and strength for your children. This is a tall task and even more so when your children are around you ALL THE TIME. Extend yourself grace, allow yourself to repent and keep yourself under submission to the God who knows their souls (and yours) and can lead you in paths of life.
Well said Missy. All I can say is that without Tony, it would have been the same in the Vessa home. But Tony is a rock. He is so utterly consistent. He made me better and I could lean on him when I was weak.
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