Saturday, April 1, 2017

The Freedom of Not Knowing

Watching my oldest learn to play violin has made me realize something about myself.  He just changed teachers in January and in the past three months has worked hard and improved significantly. His teacher knows his stuff and challenges my son well.  As I look at how far he has come and celebrate; I know that his teacher looks at where he is and focuses on how much further he has to go. This is rare for me.  I am often the focusing on his future instead of being with him in the present moment.  It is my loss.  

What is the difference? 

I trust the guide.   Between my in-laws (his patrons) and his teacher I know that they are making the best choices for him.  It puts me in the unique position (especially as a homeschooling mom) to sit back and celebrate with him.  I don't stress about what he "should" be doing and when - because I don't know.  I can't critique his work well so I just enjoy it for what it is.  I can see that he is improving in his own ways because I am not comparing him to some other standard in my head.  

What if I did this more with my children?  What if I focused on celebrating how far they have come instead of fretting over what I know they don't know - yet?  What if I just trusted someone who has been at it longer than I have and followed their steps - instead of constantly trying to create my own path?  What if I was more of a cheerleader instead of a fault finder?  What if I made choices out of love and joy instead of fear of what he is missing, or doesn't know?  

The truth is, in the end, I really don't know what my child's path will be.  However, I know the one who does.  Am I leaning into His wisdom and grace and love for my son?  Am I trusting that He is a good guide, so I can enjoy the journey?  Am I rejoicing in who this child is and how God has made him - uniquely - not in the snowflake way - but in the sense that God doesn't make mistakes and knows this child better than I do.  Do I trust too much on my own understanding (often founded in fear) to the peril of our relationship?  Why do I not trust the one who created him and promises a "good plan" - not an easy, happy go lucky one - but a good one in the truest sense of the word?

Sometimes, being in the dark has its advantages.  This has been a sweet surprise for me - the trying -to - retire - control freak.  

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