Wednesday with Words: Becoming a Man

Last week I met a veteran homeschool mom of nine!  She was a wealth of information.  I didn't even know the right questions to ask her - but she pulled out all kinds of stories that spoke directly to issues I have been pondering (not all things I wanted to hear).  As we were talking, she mentioned J.C. Ryle's book Thoughts for Young Men (it's an older book so download it for free).   I had heard of the author before because his Duties of Parents is free on Compass Classrooms website (where Visual Latin is sold).  I should probably re-read that one as well.

Well, he doesn't pull any punches or sugarcoat his thoughts.  He is serious.  He addresses the laxity of young men in attending church and addressing issues of the soul in the mid 1800's.  I guess some things never change!

His points are brief but well spoken. He touches subjects like sin, pride, habits, working and more.  I particularly like this image - I have been thinking about habits often lately.

I am also listening to The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle which discusses the factors that develop talent.  Deep practice over 10,000ish hours and cues in the environment that inspire to a long term desirable goal with frequent, well timed, reinforcements can help turn anyone into a super star.  Coyle provides the research and current scientific understanding of why this is true.  Every time we perform an action we are making that connection stronger - you might think of muscle memory - and that's what it is, except, now scientists think it is myelin or the coating that goes around the nerves.  So thoughtful habit development through short focused lessons on the edge of ability and a sense of community coupled with a clear vision of a desirable future life can go a long way.  Wow! Sounds pretty familiar to people who follow Charlotte Mason's ways.   Providing hope and a future.  The examples he provides are memorable although some of the information gets a bit repetitive.  My kids have been fascinated and my oldest has started practicing differently.  These are do-able things.

I am still working through Ryle's short book.  I think once my oldest is closer to 12 or 13 it is probably a good read for a father (or mentor) and son to do together - section by section.  That's how the mom I met recommended doing it.

Hope you are getting to read somewhere in the sunshine.  See what others are reading at Ladydusk.

 

DTK - Chapter 2 - Thumos - Understanding Men's Passion

We are five weeks in and have made it to chapter 2 of Desiring the Kingdom in our book club.  I think we are ALMOST out of the definition stage.  Although when I went to get the amazon link I was reminded that book two in the series is about how worship works - so this book might be mostly definition.  See what others have to say at Simply Convivial.

Smith begins by discussing the movie Moulin Rouge as his example of loves in conflict.  I saw it in the theater and almost walked out after the first 15 minutes because of the crazy videography at the beginning.  I do love the movie though.  I think his discussion of it points to why I enjoyed it – you want love to win.  He highlights one of the issues I currently struggle with when he says that Christian’s father berates the culture because of “its sinfulness, which seems most linked to its failure to be ‘productive’.”   I am trying to fight that same perception and move away from productivity and "doing good" as the measure of a man. 

Reading Smith’s discussion of aiming our loves tied in well with James Daniels and Cindy Rollins  What are we doing to our Boys? discussion.  Smith asserts that Christian culture tries to suppress our loves when really our call should be to channel our loves.  He puts it this way, we must admit, “that we are creatures primarily of love and desire – and then respond in kind with measures that focus on our passions, not primarily on our thoughts or beliefs?”  This is exactly what the article discusses with a classical bent.  Daniels' used the word “thumos”.  So I looked it up and found the article Got Thumos? by Brett and Kate McKay.  Basically it is impossible to directly bring this concept into our language because we don't have any close equivalent in our culture.  Thus the need for a long article with great examples from Plato and classic stories that I just can't quote here.  Here are some of the functions of thumos (from the McKay's article): 

• the source of the emotion and the emotion itself
• blazes with manliness in anticipation of the fight 
• it's courage and steadfastness, fearless indomitability 
• it's the place where you ponder possibilities and it's related to gut feelings and intuition
• desire to dominate, to be the best of the best

in the end they say "perhaps the best and simplest definition I've come across is 'energetic thinking leading to action'.  Can't you see your little boy doing that right now - if you don't stop him first!   The rest of the article discusses what happens when the thumos isn't rightly aligned and how it can be shaped and brought to it's full potential (my kids favorite term - thanks Ninjago).  

So the ancients had a whole idea about male emotions and passions being directed towards appropriate loves that we can't even grasp.  I don't think Smith reduces passion to just feelings or emotions, but it is a key part of it.

So, first steps require realizing the feelings that you are dealing with.  Honestly, I tend to donwplay emotions because so often our culture tries to use them as the driver instead of part of a team. After reading the book How We Love, I realize that I haven't let emotions play the role that they should be playing. Taking the online test (I'm not a huge advocate of these types of tests, in general, but my friends and I have found it instructive) helped me realize just how out of touch I am with some things.  Mentors have been trying to show me for years - but I am a slow learner.  My emotional understanding and health is essential if I am going to raise healthy young men.  If I can't recognize and deal with my own emotions - how can I help them with theirs?   Anger and frustration cannot be my primary "go to" emotions. I need to find some other modes of expression.  Smith is right - we need to help direct our passions.  I think this concept of thumos is a better way to understand and nurture the emotions of our boys in  a way that is more fitting to their nature and loves.  Much better than our typical "I'm okay, You're okay" paradigm.  I am just beginning to consider these ideas.

These are the primary thoughts that stuck out for me from the chapter.  He does talk about habits but in the fall I read The Power of Habit which talks about thick and thin habits. Smith posits that some of these habits could even be considered liturgies. He does this in an effort to shake up our understanding of the idea and to give greater weight to the unseen impact of our cultural "norms".  At one point he made me think about the current move back to local, organic produce - away from the big stores.  This change reflects a different value in food, community and culture.  Going to the local produce stand is a different experience than running into Walmart.  I think this is the type of idea he is trying to help us consider.