Fortresses, not Bubbles, for our kids

Happy New Year!!! 

Last year my word was SHED and it happened -  let me tell you!   It wasn't easy to let go, but it was good. 

My word for this year is REFUGE.  

I honestly have no idea what to think about that.  Am I to be a refuge?  Will I need to take refuge?  I just don't know - we shall see.  This I do know - this verse is in my thoughts constantly:

Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress,
    and for their children it will be a refuge.   Proverbs 14:26 

It just hits me in so many ways.  I have walked in fear of the wrong thing- sometimes without realizing it - for long stretches of my life.  That was one thing God helped me shed last year.  It is easier to let go of something if you have a new thought pattern or habit to help you move forward.  This one tells me where to direct that fear - towards the Lord.  Not necessarily in an "angry God" kind of way, although sometimes we need that too; but in a putting God in his rightful place - awe, wonder, majesty, grace, love.  Be overwhelmed by that this year - for your sake and for your kids!   

Look back up at Proverbs, did you see what that fear does?  It builds a fortress!  You need a fortress when you are in a battle.  We are hoping that building a bubble around our kids will keep them safe.  People, bubbles burst - they need a fortress!!  The goal of parenting is to release them into the world.  Spoiler alert - the world is not safe - it is yucky, hard, unpredictable, and just tough.  It is wise to keep them safe for a time (apps, friends, limits, etc.); however, they are going to need more than that.  They are watching to see what to do when the bubble bursts. Where do you turn when yuck happens?  When the hard comes?  Do you go to Facebook? a real book? google the problem? drink, drugs? food? video games and TV shows? crafting? a friend or parent? ignore it and hope for the best? run away? anger? fear? offer platitudes? work harder? All of these (might) have their place, but if they don't see us crack a Bible, pray for help, cry a little, get a bit of righteous anger going on, read Psalms for comfort and strength, ask friends to pray with us - they will not know they can turn to God with the yuck.  They will find refuge in the WRONG things - not a secure fortress but shifting sand and unsteady waves.  They will lead bubble lives - ready to pop any second.  

Promises like this help: 

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.    Romans 8:38

As you read that, did you remember whose you are?  That's the kind of "fear" we want - the overwhelming grip of God's love on our kid's lives and our own.  This truth builds a fortress, not a bubble.  Let life come at you because you are part of the eternal story of the God of the universe and you are secure in him alone.  Here's the deal.  We need refuge; they will need refuge.  This world is not getting easier to live in.  However, when we live in the fear of the Lord, when (not if) we are afraid we will turn to him - because he is bigger than ALL of this mess! That's the hope we can hold out to our children.  That's the Gospel - the good news - Jesus lived this crazy life too - he gets it and HE OVERCAME IT ALL - yes that's what the resurrection means.  In fact, Jesus is interceding for them as their advocate at the right hand of the Father (Romans 8:34).  What better refuge is there????  There is an accuser - but it is not God. 

Are you building a secure fortress by showing them where to flee - into His word, into the fellowship of believers, to the throne of God?  

Where are you teaching them to run in times of trouble?  

In my house we have a print of this picture: 

 

It's Rembrandt's "The Return of the Prodigal Son".   That's what I want for my kids.  If they find themselves eating slop with the pigs, I want them to remember their good Father God who is WATCHING for them to return home and RUNS to welcome them back.  One shoe on and one shoe off - he embraces them and celebrates their return. If their friends end up in the slop - I hope that they can usher them back to a loving father as well.  I want to add, that the older brother isn't better.  He doesn't understand the love of the father in the story and maybe ever.  Kids who are dutiful but don't know their father well enough to ask for a fatted calf lack a refuge as well. They may look better, but they have built their own fortress - pride, judgement, disdain, achievement - it's a culturally acceptable bubble and it will burst. 

May we build ourselves up in the word this year, so that our fear of the Lord may serve as a refuge for our children.  Praying that this year we will be fortress builders, not bubble builders. 

Wednesday with Words: Becoming a Man

Last week I met a veteran homeschool mom of nine!  She was a wealth of information.  I didn't even know the right questions to ask her - but she pulled out all kinds of stories that spoke directly to issues I have been pondering (not all things I wanted to hear).  As we were talking, she mentioned J.C. Ryle's book Thoughts for Young Men (it's an older book so download it for free).   I had heard of the author before because his Duties of Parents is free on Compass Classrooms website (where Visual Latin is sold).  I should probably re-read that one as well.

Well, he doesn't pull any punches or sugarcoat his thoughts.  He is serious.  He addresses the laxity of young men in attending church and addressing issues of the soul in the mid 1800's.  I guess some things never change!

His points are brief but well spoken. He touches subjects like sin, pride, habits, working and more.  I particularly like this image - I have been thinking about habits often lately.

I am also listening to The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle which discusses the factors that develop talent.  Deep practice over 10,000ish hours and cues in the environment that inspire to a long term desirable goal with frequent, well timed, reinforcements can help turn anyone into a super star.  Coyle provides the research and current scientific understanding of why this is true.  Every time we perform an action we are making that connection stronger - you might think of muscle memory - and that's what it is, except, now scientists think it is myelin or the coating that goes around the nerves.  So thoughtful habit development through short focused lessons on the edge of ability and a sense of community coupled with a clear vision of a desirable future life can go a long way.  Wow! Sounds pretty familiar to people who follow Charlotte Mason's ways.   Providing hope and a future.  The examples he provides are memorable although some of the information gets a bit repetitive.  My kids have been fascinated and my oldest has started practicing differently.  These are do-able things.

I am still working through Ryle's short book.  I think once my oldest is closer to 12 or 13 it is probably a good read for a father (or mentor) and son to do together - section by section.  That's how the mom I met recommended doing it.

Hope you are getting to read somewhere in the sunshine.  See what others are reading at Ladydusk.

 

Wednesday with Words: School Education, Vol. 3

I am just about through School Education, Volume 3 by Charlotte Mason.  If you want the overview - read the last 3 chapters.  Just a hint.  I did read this volume once before (I underlined it).  I think this is one of my favorite thoughts of hers

I would also do much better if I remembered this one:

I tend to follow the new and shiny instead of seeking the old ways that are tried and true.

In this volume she emphasizes the role of the teacher for children ages 9 to about 13. They are not to be lecturers or to provide oral lessons.  Instead, their key role is in selecting living books, listening to narrations and discerning if children are just sharing information or truly are acquiring knowledge as they read.  They should not be cramming facts but rather recast, condense, illustrate and narrate what they are learning. She repeats multiple times, "What a child digs for is his own possession."  My personal experience testifies to this; however, it is an act of faith and requires time for children to dig.  It is letting go of what I think is most important and allowing my kids to be their own people and finding their own way among thoughtful people.  Honestly, I love teaching because it encourages me to "dig" for those nuggets.  In some way it holds me accountable to keep learning.  I guess maybe I need to just do it for myself and not inflict it on everyone around me.

See what others are reading and thinking about at Ladydusk.

Wednesdays With Words: Seeing with Annie Dillard

I am still in the process of re-reading The Living Page and am almost done with Mind to Mind. However, I need to take a break from all that philosophy stuff.  I found Pilgrim at Tinker Creek at the library book sale and I have wanted to read it for a long time.  I have checked it out multiple times and never cracked it.  I loved Annie Dillard's The Writing Life when I read it eons ago. Something about being a version of Ann and your writing style - Annie Dillard, Anne Lamott, Ann Voskamp. Whether you like them or not - they all have a distinctive way of seeing the world and putting voice to their thoughts.  My youngest is Anna - so maybe???

So, here is the thought I have liked best so far.  I so want to just be there. I think I am beginning to figure it out with my 4th.  I am a S - L - O - W learner on these things.

Have a great week and see what others are reading at Ladydusk.  

Wednesday with Words: Ministry of Motherhood

I am part of a newly formed homeschool mom's support group.  We are friends from another group and decided that we really wanted to do a book study together and encourage each other as MOHS (Mothers of Homeschoolers).  We are reading through The Ministry of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson.  In it she looks at what we as mothers should be passing onto our children with the acronym GIFTS (grace, inspiration, faith, training and service).  We are half way through and I am really enjoying it.  It's challenging me to focus on relationship with my kids not just a checklist or the "end goal".  Sally is good at reminding you about delighting in (and creating) the small moments that make memories and open up space for conversation.

From the Grace chapters:

I realize my love and service to them must come before any of my great words, my teaching and training.  

What they won't just listen (especially as they get older) because I'm their mom!

If they fear our strong condemnation and possible rejection, they will hide their sin, perhaps even deceive themselves about the nature of it.  They will definitely not avail themselves of our mature direction in their lives.  

From the Inspiration chapters:

When she talks about following Jesus she says

And this may mean leaving behind things we really care about - involvements and pursuits that seem important and worthwhile but may not be God's will for us.  

A child who does not have the opportunity to marvel at the bigness of God, the wonders of his creation and the reality of his supernatural work will tend to measure the questions about "who God is" according to his or her finite, limited perspective.  

This section really challenged me to inspire my kids to be who they are in His image - not my own finite ways.  If you know the story of Sally's kids you realize that she has done this with God's grace.

From the Faith chapters:

If they can keep eternity before their eyes, they will be able to live in hope no matter what happens to them in this life. 

He is concerned that I, his daughter (their mother), should have a strong, shining character and such character requires training and discipline. 

If you give yourself license to get angry and frustrated every time you feel you can justify it, then you risk sacrificing your testimony as you grow older. 

Ouch!! .

It's natural to let life irritate you and to get angry.  It is supernatural to be patient and loving and gracious.  That's really the secret to the Christian life - to learn to yield our lives and our emotions and our actions moment by moment to him. 

In discussing her older children she reflects on the work of the Holy Spirit by commenting that

My children must learn how to walk with the Lord without my help.  But they won't be alone. 

So, that's the first half.  Such great wisdom from a woman who has been there and faced multiple trials.  I so appreciate her candidness and constant focus on looking to Jesus.

See what others are reading at Wednesday with Words.

Interruptions or real life?

I read Blessings of a Life Interrupted last week and it has stuck with me.  Her discussion of a childhood in school, isolated from the ups and downs of life, really struck me.  It is so true.  School gave me an unrealistic picture of life.  She talks about big life changes, but I also think about the little things - the grocery store, cleaning the house, preparing dinner.  All of these things happened around me - but I either didn't see them happen (because I was in school) or helping with them was somewhat optional.  I was always at school or doing homework or in some activity that was deemed more important than these life sustaining activities.   My parents actually battled over this choice - often - but in the end, school and activities were deemed more important.  (One line of thinking is that this was our job and it could get us scholarships - well that did work out - especially for my brother).

Fast forward about 20 years and now that my whole life revolves around these thing - I am a little overwhelmed.  I was shielded from them in my youth because they were "less important" but now they are my main job! Talk about a change of perspective.

Since we homeschool there is no sheltering for my kids in this sense.  They go the grocery store (people always comment how brave I am to take them there).  They see me cook most evenings.  They help me clean, although I am still figuring this one out for myself.  In part, because I still see reading as more important than sweeping the kitchen floor or folding clothes.  My kids are around the real life stuff we have to do and I need to be better about making sure they are not just observers but active participants.

I also resonated deeply with this thought:

And then it hit me. I wasn’t managing to teach my kids in spite of life’s interruptions; I was teaching them something far more valuable. I was teaching them how to live life. Real life. The life that is messy and is filled with unexpected difficulties. Not the “real life” that only exists on paper and in my imagination. The real life that I never experienced as a child and was completely unprepared to encounter as an adult. 

We have been reading Desiring the Kingdom for book club  and talking about habits and how they form us.  Take a minute to think about what the form of school (home, private, public or otherwise) says to children about:  

• knowledge and wisdom? (Where we get it? How we learn it? Who has it? What is worth knowing?)
• home? (how it fits into the scheme of things? what you should learn there?)
• friends?  (where we find them? how we relate to them? why we form friendships with them? how we deal with them during recess/ at the park?)
• priorities? (time? talent? treasure?) 
• parents? (authority? type of subjects they know about?) 
• siblings (relationships with them?) 
• school? (where it happens? it's value? who we learn with? who we learn from?) 
• play? (time for it? who you do it with?)

My family probably went to one extreme by putting school as the middle of all things. But I don't think it is too rare for us to put kids' school work and activities above the "every day" tasks.  Likewise, when the big events happen - instead of taking time to mourn or rejoice or even deal with it as a family - we often take as few days off of school as possible.   At least our family did.

I do realize that in some ways going to school is like going to a job.  There is some value in that analogy. But I am not convinced that having a job should be the most defining characteristic of our kids.  I also wonder if we start instilling - through unexpected habits - workaholism, performance based achievement and other similar issues because of the way we deal with school.

If one of our primary goals is for our kids to leave and cleave; they will have to shoulder the every day tasks and deal with unexpected interruptions with someone else right beside them (and maybe many little eyes watching them).  Are we equipping them?

Weds. with Words: The Duties of Parents

This past week I have been thinking more about parenting.  Mostly, thinking about how to parent my 2 yo now that I see some results with my 7 yo.  When I saw this post about The Duties of Parents by J.C. Ryle I decided to dust off my copy (actually it is lost somewhere so I just downloaded it for free and am re-reading it.)   Here are a few snippets:

And still for all this, the vast majority of children are manifestly not trained in the way they should go, for when they grow up to man's estate, they do not walk with God. 

Sometimes I easily forget that the good life is the one that walks with God - nothing less. I'm I aiming at that or a different definition.

Anger and harshness may frighten, but they will not persuade the child that you are right, and if he sees you out of temper, you will soon cease to have his respect. 

Fear puts an end to openness of manner, - fear leads to concealment - fear sows the seed of much hypocrisy , and leads to many a lie. 

And this is where we are currently struggling.  My temper and his!

It is just in the going forward that God will meet us.  The path of obedience is the way in which He gives the blessing.  We have only to do as the servants were commanded at the marriage feat in Cana, to fill the water-pots with water, and we may safely leave it to the Lord to turn that water into wine. 

To pet and pamper and indulge your child, as if this world was all he had to look to, and this life the only season for happiness - to do this is not true love, but cruelty. 

How often do I act like this is the world we are aiming for - that this is the only kingdom.  Yikes!

In speaking of Bible reading:

See that they read it regularly.  Train them to regard it as their soul's daily food - as a thing essential to their soul's daily health.  I know well you can not make this anything more than a form, but there is no telling the amount of sin which a mere form may indirectly restrain. 

Prayer is the simplest means that man can use in coming to God.  It is within the reach of all - the sick, the aged, the infirm, the paralytic, the blind, the poor, the unlearned - all can pray.  It avails you nothing to plead want of memory, and want of learning, and want of books, and want of scholarship in this matter.  So long as you have a tongue to tell your soul's state, you may and ought to pray. 

See to it too, if it can be so arranged, that your children go with you to church, and sit near you when they are there.  To go to church is one thing, but to behave well at church is quite another.  

But so long as hearts are what hearts are, it is vain to suppose, as a general rule, that children can ever be brought up without correction.  

Imitation is a far stronger principle with children than memory.  What they see has a much greater effect on their minds than what they are told. 

Remember the word that the conqueror Caesar always used to his soldiers in battle.  He did not say "Go forward," but "Come."  So it must be with you in training your children. 

Promises were the only lamp of hope which cheered the hearts of the patriarchs before the Bible was written.  Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, - all lived on a few promises, and prospered in their souls.  Promises are the cordials which in every age have supported and strengthened the believer.  

How often do I not trust in his promises and whine about my situation.

It is not God's way to give everything at once.  "Afterwards" is the time when He often chooses to work, both in the things of nature and in the things of grace.  "Afterwards" is the season when affliction bears the peaceable fruit of righteousness (Heb. 12:11).  

Sobering:

Children have ever been the bow from which the sharpest arrows have pierced man's heart. 

It is a quick read, but meaty.  There are some parts I struggle with but it is a worthy read.  To read what others have been reading check out Wednesday with Words.

Don't teach 2 yo Christian Education - DON'T

I should have learned this lesson in middle school.  Don't do it.  Not for the normal reasons of having a ton of kids who really need naps and should be having lunch when you are trying to share with them about God. No, don't do it because the simple lessons that are repeated OVER and OVER again might actually seep into your soul and require you to change and become more like Him.  You can't hide behind fancy words and complex ideas in preschool.  I came to really understand who Christ is helping teach preschoolers and I guess I still am.

Today, we went "off the lesson plan" because of a scheduling issue.  So, I had to come up with my own lesson.  I had boxes (from all the cleaning I have been doing) and we are in Genesis - so the Tower of Babel seemed appropriate.  The main lesson of the day "You can't build a tower or doing anything to get to God - he comes to us through his son, Jesus".  We said this as we built and re-built towers today.  Simplicity and repetition - they will get you.

Tonight, I read this article which is an interview of the man who wrote Gospel Powered Parenting (which I intend to read soon).  It touched on a few things that I have been struggling with and honestly it seems like maybe he was listening in on a conversation I had with a friend of mine about raising kids earlier this week (maybe she has read the book).   My issue is MORALISM.  I have tried very hard to build my life on good deeds, doing my best, trying to be pleasant to others, etc. Basically, moralism.  As I read through this article it helped me to realize what some of my main issues with my kids are.  Here it is in a nut shell:

The gospel also protects parents from “moralism,” the idea that well-behaved children are the main thing. New Birth is the main thing. The morality of Christ imputed to your children is the main thing. It is not what our children do for Christ but what Christ has done for our children that is the main thing. Ironically, without aiming at it, gospel centered parents get godly behavior from their children.

This made me think of an excerpt I read from a book called The Danger of Raising Nice Kids. Later, in the article, he offers this humdinger:

Therefore, and this is crucial, pleasing God is the most important thing a parent can do to move God to regenerate their child. This means that effective parents are God-centered not child-centered. Their focus is always on God, not their children. Fearing God is one crucial way that parents can please God. We learn this fear at the cross. That is why I call it gospel powered parenting.

Did I mention I am putting together a presentation on discipline in after school situations so I have also been revisiting Give Them Grace?  Her manage, nurture, train, correct and promise are powerful ways to help children think about who God is, how he made them and how they can live in His story of grace.  It is much more than just applying the right Bible verse to show kids how they have missed the mark.   Do you think He is trying to help me figure these things out?

In high school we used to talk about God's holy wrecking ball.  Sometimes he uses it to destroy a lie or false thinking in your life. Today he used his wrecking ball to knock down my tower of babel parenting.  I have been building a parenting tower based on my own strength and ability in an effort to make my kids "good enough" for him and so others will approve of them (moralism).  All the while saying that He created them, loves them and will renew them if they come to him (Gospel).  I know the right message but my actions and attitudes betray something very different (hypocrisy). My kids have been smelling it from a mile away.

So, I don't really know how to be different in the way I parent day to day - l need to rely on his grace.  A good first step but a hard one for a good moralist who is used to relying on her own wits and good thoughts.  I am going to let the tower fall and trust that He is sufficient for me and my kids.  He has been trying to give me hints for a while - thanks 2yos for helping me finally get the visual about building our own paths to God for ourselves or our kids.

Homeschool Reflections - What is your target?

I am privileged to share some insights from a long time friend of mine.  She has homeschooled her 8 children for 28 years!  Her youngest child is in 8th grade and next year he will go to a local public high school.  She homeschooled the oldest two through high school, but the younger children have gone to public school.  So, this year marked her "last, first day of school" at home.  She now has more children who have graduated from high school than have not.  I have been gleaning bits of wisdom from her about this journey. She has graciously allowed me to share some of them with you here. I will break her thoughts up over a few different posts.  She is not about to toot her own horn or write her own book - but I know that her wisdom might help some of us as we enter the fray.

Although I blog a lot about curriculum - because it is tangible and easy - she won't even discuss that with me.  So don't expect suggestions along those lines!

Thought #1 -  What is your target? 

A few years ago she was frustrated by the fact that she didn't get to do glamorous things - like go out to lunch with friends.  She was always home with kids.  She knew that she isn't called to minister to addicts or enter into international missions at this point in her life, but she wished that she could at least mentor someone or invest in something outside of her home. It was at that point that God really challenged her with the idea of "target".  What was her target?  What had he given her to do and was she aiming at that target?  

As a result of this insight she was able to let go of some of the guilt and frustration that comes with feeling like you aren't doing "enough".  This also helped her to focus on the things she should be doing.  Someday soon she will be able to go out for lunches and be able to mentor others more freely -  but that is a new season.  For the season she was in, God clearly communicated that her family was her target.  

So, what is your target? 

Have you asked the question?  Have you thought about who God has clearly put in front of you to minister to and support?  Are you searching for a different target because this one isn't glamorous or as fulfilling as you had hoped?  Do you prefer having multiple targets because then you can't be held accountable if one thing fails - there is a back up plan or excuse?    Do you wonder how your small target could actually make a difference in His kingdom?  

Aiming at other targets (or nothing) doesn't make you a better shot - it makes you miss the mark you have set before you.  I pray that you are willing to submit to the place God has you so that you may do the work he has set before you- whether that's running a household or running a company - it's His place for you.  I have the following Elisabeth Elliott quote up around my house to help me remember this.