Confessions: Failing to Work the Plan

I think this is probably my last confession - for a while.  I have lots of other things I am reading, listening to and thinking about right now.  We'll see how all these things come together.

I loved planning.  Sitting down and considering curriculum, thinking about the possibilities, organizing our time and always developing a neat and tidy spreadsheet.  It was very exciting and it gave me hope.  I laugh as I look at my NUMEROUS spreadsheets.  Many planning was flawed for some basic reasons.

Entertaining too many options 

I mentioned this a little bit when I shared all the coops we participated in as a family.  That honestly was just a fraction of the programs I explored and used (if you look at the Meaningful Minutes you will see some of the resources I found - in one season).  They were all great and offered something a little different.  At times I would run two or three math programs, along with a few English/ Language Arts programs simultaneously.  Then I wondered why it didn't fit into our schedule or my kids felt a bit overworked.  It was simply too much.  It also meant that if I was bored with something or felt like it wasn't working (after maybe 3 tries) I always had the "next" thing ready to try.  I agree that you need to use something for AT LEAST six weeks to get a feel for it - but sometimes I would switch much sooner than that.

Planning too far ahead 

I can't tell you how many "plans" I have that lay out our curriculum until the kids all graduate. Countless hours comparing options, skimming programs and looking for new ideas.  Well, one of my kids made it to kindergarten in my home.  I think it is good to know where you are going and have a sense of the options.  However, I shouldn't have been picking middle school readings when my oldest was 6.  I have no idea what his strengths, weaknesses and needs will be in 6 years.  I should have invested in him where he was instead.  I should have invested in my own great books or ideas education as well.  Both of those things would have paid better dividends.

Not implementing the plan 

I have already discussed this a bit, but I often would create the schedule and then expect my kids and life to conform to it seamlessly. Well, that's just not reality.  First off, with a toddler at home chaos is always just around the corner.  Plus, kids will find excuses and reasons not to do what they are supposed to be doing all the time.  I was hoping that by merely inventing a workable plan it would work - on its own.  My misguided expectations often translated into frustration.  My kids are kids and it is my job to help them stay on task - I wasn't always willing to do the work to keep everyone on task. 

I used planning to help me feel in control.  I wanted to know all of my options so that I could be ready for any potential issue.  If there was a problem I had a curriculum for it.  In fact, I often was telling the next person how a curriculum could solve their problems as well.  Together we could feel in control of our circumstances. It fed my pride to be the person who was in the know and helpful.  That's not the goal of homeschooling though.  I missed the mark.

Thinking too far ahead was an effort to shape and control our future.  Knowing where you are going is important but having a specific curriculum for years down the road is unhelpful at best. Know the general path and faithfully stay on it.  Deal with the bends in the road as they come.  I hoped that by mapping everything out I could avoid the bends - with enough research and effort we could stay on the straight path to success.  Spoiler Alert - there is no straight path and often the bends are where the real education happens. 

So it's a bit crazy that I was planning as a control technique and then didn't implement them well.  It flustered and upset me that we couldn't just do what worked out so wonderfully in my head.  Instead of meeting us where we were, I would retreat to create a new plan. I was on the crazy cycle because the next plan failed for the same reason - they were based on ideals, not reality.  I also lost my wonder in the work of the ordinary day and my bad attitude rubbed off on my kids.  I started off well when my oldest kids were young, but somewhere along the way I lost the vision. 

In many ways my plans were breeding discontent in my own life and in our home life.  Always looking for the next thing, the newest schedule, down the line was safe and "helpful" escapism.  Whose going to blame you for trying to improve.  Faithfulness is what was needed and I wasn't always up to the task. I failed to live in the moment and recognize what was enough.  Andrew Kern talks about how at the end of each day of creation God reflected that "It was good" and encourages us to do likewise. Despite all my planning and trying I rarely reflected and felt that it was good. It strained the whole system.

I agree with Cindy Rollins in Mere Motherhood, "often our planning keeps us from living."  That's essentially what it came down to for me.  I preferred my perfect plans and dreams to the messy reality of living with four kids.  You need to have goals, a direction and an outline but you can't choose the dream over the reality. 

Confessions: Not inviting Dad

Throughout this series I have gotten many encouragements from friends and family.  I appreciate that.  I know that our time was a sowing season and that it won't come back void.  However, I have spent many years showing off the roses and daises (or at least my ponderings on such things) and not always talked about the hard stuff.  God has been gracious and gently led me into this new season.  I felt it was only honest to share about the reason for the transition in the hopes that it would help others. 

As I continue to reflect on "what should have been" in our homeschool I regret my attitude towards my husband.  Often I sent out a "don't even question me" vibe that made it difficult for us to really partner together in our children's education.  He was always supportive and wanted to help but I wasn't receptive or aware of how to include him well. 

My husband often deferred to me in curriculum decisions because of the inordinate amount of time I spent researching it.  His vote of confidence was encouraging, but it also quickly ended our educational conversations. He trusted me - but I wanted him to be involved - sort of.   Often, if he did offer an opinion I quickly explained how hard that was or how it wasn't in keeping with our philosophy or some other excuse. He learned that I wasn't really going to listen anyway.  In some ways, I unconsciously felt like his questioning and wondering was a personal attack on my abilities as a teacher and mom.  It wasn't.  However, when you start confusing your identity with your activity - trouble ensues.  So, he just let me do what I wanted and on occasion would read aloud to the kids.  As my oldest got older I asked his dad to get more involved.  He tried to help but I still micromanaged.  It wasn't helpful.  I needed to give him space to interact and share who he is and what he knows with our kids.

I was asking my husband to participate in the wrong way. I may have know quite a bit about curriculum, but my husband knows much more about boys.  I have three of them.  I should have asked him more about what he saw in the boys and how they were acting.  How much of this is normal boy behavior and where should we draw the line?  What are the skills and strengths that he sees in them?  They are also his children and he had opinions but I often didn't seek them.  When I did ask, it was a precursor to me airing my own opinions and concerns.  I wasn't listening and so he didn't really speak.  Now that the boys are in school he is going to their teacher conferences and we won't get the homework done without his help!  There is a clear role for him to play. 

Instead of talking with my husband about educational ideas I would talk with friends, write on the blog or generally skip him.  I shouldn't have bored him with the details, but I should have shared the highlights.  My conversations helped me grow deeper with my friends, get their insights and find support.  I cut off this opportunity with my husband and it was both of our loss.  It's fine to chat with friends but in ADDITION to talking with my husband.  He would ask, but I would dismiss his interest. 

I failed to invite my husband into our homeschool life and make him feel welcome.  Instead of building a full family culture, I created a bit of a wedge.  It wasn't his fault, it was mine.  I couldn't handle the questions and the possibility I was doing it wrong - pride and confusion.  He probably could have grounded me and helped me prioritize - if I would have allowed it. Thankfully, he is patient and kind and willing to try again. 

Here are my other confessions. 

Confessions: Curriculum Wanderlust

Last time I talked about how information isn't the same as formation for our children.  If you look through this blog I think that you will see JUST HOW MUCH information I took in.  Of studying and learning there is no end! 

I was in search of the perfect curriculum combination that would magically meet all of our needs.  Here is a list of the programs we have done in our 12 years of schooling:

- Created our own homebased Montessori-ish coop (when my oldest was 1 yo)
- That coop morphed into a church based Montessori, music, play coop (did that on and off for 4 years)
- Bible Study Fellowship for a year
- Attended a week long training for the AMO program led by the lady who wrote the history part of the Principle Approach 
-  I dabbled with Ambleside for a year (or more - it all blends together)
- Spent a year as a Montessori teaching assistant (under the tutelage of a couple who had done Christian Montessori for 30 years)
- My oldest spent 1 1/2 years at a local preschool - morning 2 days a week
- My second spent 1 year as a 4 yo at a local preschool - 2 days a week
-  Speech therapy (2 hours a week for a year)
-  Classical Conversations - Foundations - 3 years - I always helped in the littlest class
-  The CommonPlace - the coop my friends and I put together for ourselves - leaned CMish - 2 years
- Artios - an integrated history, English, drama, music and art program. I have taught history there 3 out of the last 4 years
- Community Bible Study - Not exactly an academic coop but it served as a great homeschool community for us - 1 year
- I also taught Christian Education at our church for about 5 years

   This doesn't include the 1 or 2 park days we had a week.  Most years we were in at least two coop settings.  CRAZY!! 

Although we were enrolled in these programs and many of them provided a curriculum, that didn't stop me from researching and trying to implement more.  Beyond curriculum I also spent hours (weeks, months) reading and listening to podcasts about education and philosophy of education.  One friend commented I was the least stay at home mom that he knew.  Another claims I have a self taught PhD in curriculum and education design.  With all these resources and knowledge - why did we drop out? 

Even though I would explain to you that the curriculum was not the main thing, my life told a different story.  I was expecting a curriculum to teach itself and fix all the problems. It can't.

Once I had personally studied a topic I felt like we had "learned" it.  I am NOT the primary student though - my kids are.  I needed to actually TEACH them the subject matter.  The early grades involve a lot of skill building - handwriting, reading, adding, etc.  This requires time and repetition.  I am not the best coach and I didn't realize just how much my kids needed consistent short practice and clear models.  In the end, the early years (5 through 8ish) are primarily about being a great coach or tutor to your child (pick a math and reading curriculum and DO IT daily bit by bit).   I was encouraged to read a book by many older homeschool moms that advocated this method in 2011 (the 3Rs).  I read it and dismissed it as too simple, I was homeschooling so we could do more.  I wanted to move on to ideas and discussions and the "fun stuff" of teaching.  Instead of tutoring my kids in skills, I hoped they would pick them up along the way so that we could do the stuff that I enjoy.  I was selfish.  I didn't help build a ladder of success for them rung by rung - I hoped they would just jump up the ladder and join me at the top.  They are doing fine - but I could have been much more helpful in the process.  They do need the "riches", but at that age they also need practice and skill building.

I also lived with the fear that I was missing out on another method, idea or plan that would be just a little bit better (did I mention the file cabinet of Latin curriculum I own) and offer more security.  I love to research and that's what I did  to no end (pretty much literally).  I wanted a plan that would ensure success and so I kept looking.

So, while I was desperately looking for something outside to fix me and them on the right path; I wasn't tuning into the guide and the one who knows THE WAY - the Holy Spirit.  Here's the deal, God who made and loves my children and made me their mom knows what they need.  Yes, it is important to have quality curriculum guides and support and materials- but in the end - if you are open to it - He will reveal exactly what your child your needs.  I was still acting like a teacher in a group setting trying to create a plan for the "average" and "potential" child - while ignoring the clear needs of the specific child in front of me.  I had a gazillion methods but I only needed one chosen to meet a particular child's needs.  My kids didn't care how much I knew about curriculum development and design - they wanted to know how much I cared about them. Am I seeing them? Am I helping them?  I was trying to teach to an imaginary child - who they should be, when I should have tutored and parented the one sitting in front of me. 

The primary redeeming factor of this mess is that God has given me amazing relationships with people from very different perspectives. I never found the "perfect" curriculum but I did find some incredible people to do life with.  I was also willing to take a chance on something new so we helped found 5 of those programs listed above.  Some of them we built ground up, others we just brought to our area.  What an amazing privilege and opportunity. Some of them are going strong and others were for just a season.

We probably could have survived the many waves of trial and error and philosophy changes if I had anchored myself in studying my kids and meeting their needs.  Homeschooling is NOT classroom teaching and you can't just bring school home and expect success.  I had trouble marrying my philosophy with the children I loved in a way that made sense. In the end, I too often chose the philosophy, curriculum and plan over the needs of the child in the moment.  I made the wrong choice.

You can see my other confessions here. 

Confessions: Lacking in Formation

I know kids need repetition and predictability, but I really didn't want to do it.  I started out decently with a simple rhythm because my friends recommended The Baby Whisperer, even I could keep that going (the jury is still out on some of her sleep advice).  Too early, I allowed content, information and experience to be more important than being with my kids and embodying a thoughtful rhythm and pace of life.  

I should have intentionally established a family rhythm.  I had hints of this (or whole books on the topic), but to me it sounded boring and mundane and hard.  Well, it is.  It requires discipline and wisdom. I didn't fully grasp how the ordinary creates order and peace and security for kids to thrive.  That's why they love Mr. Roger's Neighborhood - right?  It is possible that some of my kids' craziness is because they were missing the grounding that predictability provides.  I had read this quote and even underlined it - but not fully grasped the depth of what it was saying.

“Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.”

― G. K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy

My kids needed me to be "boring" with them and delight in that.  The adult thing to do is to set and keep an easy, comfortable pattern to our day for their sake.  I glossed over rhythms and routines for the more "important" information and experience opportunities.  I didn't slow down enough to give them time to practice these habits and make them their own.  In my rush, we missed so much.  They need days when "hurry up" is not the primary phrase they hear.  They need time to be still, be bored, be kids.  I had more margin than many, but still wasn't considering their little people needs first.

A bit of this difficulty is personality - I am an extrovert and I need people.  I am also a person who likes to leave things open and try different ways - routine is HARD for me.  Honestly though, most of it was a restlessness in me.  A sense of me not being enough for them, so I need to expose them to more, do more, be more.  On the flip side, I also wanted to be seen in the world and continue to make an impact and be somebody.  I wanted to keep using my skills and talents in ways that seemed more "important" than just being at home.  I was double minded and it caused confusion for everyone.  I should have given my kids the gift of dying to myself and laying down what I wanted for what they needed - for a season.  If I was going to do it I needed to commit to it.  They needed formative patterns and I was focused on the head knowledge, external busyness and curriculum. 

There is a balance to be struck in all of this - of course. I am trying to really enjoy the everydayness of "the wiping stage" (as one friend calls it - she has 8 kids) with my youngest.  I am much more aware that my sense of pace, urgency, fretfulness and restlessness is being caught.  My kids feel the discord when my words and actions aren't aligning.  I know I was thrown off by real life - moves, job changes, babies, sickness and all the rest.  For each new season, I should have made creating a workable rhythm a top priority.  Often instead of choosing what was best for us, I let other's schedules and needs dictate our pace.  I see now that creating our rhythm first provides a steadiness and reduces stress and decision fatigue.  I undermined the whole education process by focusing on information, experience, busyness and people pleasing instead of formation and the needs of my own kids. How you do it, the form, really does count.

My other confessions can be found here. 

Confessions: Wishy Washy Mama

When I started homeschooling all the veteran moms talked to me about obedience and consistency.  I thought that obedience - that "do what I say now" - was probably a bit old fashioned.  I wanted my kids to be independent thinkers - to give them choices.  Consistency was tough - I wasn't always sure what the right way was so being consistent was hard (plus I couldn't remember what I said - more about that later).  I am sure that while I explained about choices and emotional needs of children, they were nodding their heads and thinking "bless her heart" and "I hope that works for you". 

In the end, obedience is primarily about listening and discerning.  We think of it as slavish and unthinking, which to our modern ears, seems naive and possibly dangerous.  However, if you are under a good and right authority being obedient is the most restful and comfortable place to be.  In the end, that's what I want for my kids while they are in my home.  I want them (especially when they are little) to rest in the fact that mom and dad are doing what is best for them.  I want them to obey because they trust that we have their best interests at heart.  As the adult, that means I need to know, do and expect the good for my children.  Honestly, the only way to truly work this out in your life is through prayer, the Word and community.  I didn't do this well; I was wishy washy and it made it harder for my kids to find "green pastures" and follow my lead.  Too often I was hoping that the next hill over would solve our problems. 

There are some simple things I should have done differently:

1.  Stick with the plan  So many times I said "we are leaving in five minutes" and it turned into 20 or 30 or more.  I wanted to be with my friends but I should have stuck to my word.  I was teaching my kids that my word isn't sure. I love to explore and try new things (I'll do a whole post on that) but to my kids that looks like changing my mind and uncertainty.  Last school year, my oldest would tease me that if he just waited a few weeks, things would change. At times, this went beyond a joke and became straight up disobedience. I had taught him that the directions would change so he didn't REALLY have to follow them. UGH!

2.  Talk less.  I had heard that you should only give directions that you mean to enforce.  I ignored this advice.  I verbally process and think aloud often and so my kids were used to a barrage of words.  They realized that half the things I said, were half heartedly said and never followed up on.  In the end I was teaching them that sometimes I meant it and sometimes I didn't.  It became a guessing game for them.  They knew I meant it when I started raising my voice, repeating it often enough or otherwise showing them who is boss.  Nobody enjoyed that. I know consistency is super difficult when you have littles.  I should have done less more faithfully.   I should only have given directions if I meant what I said.  In the midst of my many words I would forget what I said.  I should save my words so that we can all remember them!

3.  Give them fewer decisions.  I thought young children should practice making decisions to become better at it.   Charlotte Mason gives the opposite directive and I should have listened.  Decision making  is one of the most difficult things to do and we shouldn't burden our children with it.  Decision fatigue is a real thing - for all of us.  In my quest to help them learn how to "make choices" - I provided too many for myself and for them.  I went with the more is better principle.  It was the wrong path.  They don't need more breakfast choices, clothing choices or options in their studies.  What they need is a few "curated" decisions.  I pick two outfits and they pick the final one.  I make them breakfast and they choose to eat it or not eat it.  I don't give them a box of books (or tons of toys) to choose from - I pick three and we go from there.  I wanted my kids to have tons of options and enjoy them.  In the end, we had too much stuff and no peace.  I needed to be the adult and make more decisions for them.  This is only for a short season.  Once they hit nine or ten - they will need to start making more decisions for themselves. 

4.  Look them in the eye and tell them what you want.  Too often I was yelling directions from somewhere and expecting them to follow them.  When they didn't, I would get frustrated - didn't you hear me?  Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't, but by now we were both frustrated. I needed to have the discipline to get myself ready and then focus on them and be with them as I gave directions.  I should have slowed down, been near them and clearly helped them with what needed to be done. I made excuses but essentially it boils down to being too busy and not being disciplined to get myself ready first. 

5.  Always give the same answer.  My husband and I are pretty good about backing each other up when it comes to kids asking one and then the other.  We probably should have been a bit more strict when they even tried this little tactic (often right in front of the other parent, after they didn't get the "right" answer).  It is essential that we present a united front - even if we didn't always fully agree with the decision.  They tried this just yesterday - it still doesn't work. 

6.  Act under authority.  One reason we keep our kids home is because we want to build relationships and believe that education is more of a life. This allows for tons of freedom.  If we aren't careful this can begin to look like we just do whatever we want, however we want, whenever we want.  However, it can be overwhelming because it also requires self discipline.  No one is guiding you and checking in on you. You have to walk that difficult balance of freedom and responsibility.  If you focus too much on the freedom your kids begin to think that life is all about what they want to do.  If you just choose the fun parts and leave out the hard parts - your kids will follow suit. You need to model being under authority. 

For a while I had trouble singing or teaching my kids the song "Trust and Obey" - that seemed very limiting and unwise.  I was the foolish one.  As Parker J. Palmer says, "to teach is to create a space in which obedience to truth is practiced."  We, as parents, are teaching all the time.  We are always worshiping and obeying something and our kids are following suit.  Too often, I was just following my own whim or the most recent book I read.  Instead of leading them to the sure foundation, I was building on shifting sands. They couldn't discern and listen and follow the truth because I wasn't doing that.  Then I wondered where their attitudes, confusion and willfulness came from. 

Young children need to trust that their parents have a plan and it is a good one. They need to trust that I know what was is best and they should follow me. Too often I allowed them to present an argument, make an excuse or not follow through.  I second guessed myself and forgot where my authority came from.  I was teaching them obedience is optional and that truth is hard to grasp. 

As I Christian, I trust that the best life is the one where you submit and follow Jesus.  However, I have to model that daily.  They need to know that I am under authority and obey and they should do likewise.  Often, out of fear, we shy away from the authority we are entrusted with and the obedience it requires.  Just because it has and can be abused and used poorly does not mean that it is inherently bad. Parenting requires you to choose rightly and exercise your authority so that it is a refuge and strength for your children.  This is a tall task and even more so when your children are around you ALL THE TIME.  Extend yourself grace, allow yourself to repent and keep yourself under submission to the God who knows their souls (and yours) and can lead you in paths of life. 

Confessions: Prayer (or lack thereof)

This is part of the series Confessions of a Homeschool Dropout. If you follow my blog you know it is mostly about education practice and theory. This year, our life changed and my older kids are in school.  I don't know if this is a permanent change or not. This series is about what I would have done differently if I could start over again.

I was prideful.  I thought my college education, my classroom experiences, my prior jobs, my resume would be enough to carry me through this parenting and homeschooling deal.  If there were holes- I read a book or blog (or 4), listened to a podcast or tried a new coop.  At first, I didn't even see the holes or thought that they were just small issues - time would fix it or I would.  My lips proclaimed Christian education ideals, with God at the center.  However, my private life wasn't prayerful - at all.  I didn't live like God had to show up for us to make it. I didn't actually intercede for my kids; I complained and read.  I didn't listen for God's voice; I sought the expert opinion (witness my blog).  I didn't consider how my children were uniquely made; I tried to fit them in a mold (either mine or the world's).  I lectured my children instead of lifting their hearts and needs to the author and perfecter of their faith. I worked out of my own strength most of the time and I was tired.  It also didn't help my children - at all.  The experts didn't know my children, the mold didn't fit them well and all of that trying wore us out!

If I could do it again I would be MUCH more prayerful.  I would not open a book or blog until I had at least asked God about the subject.  I would recognize problems as an opportunity for God to step in and trust that he would - in his time.  I wouldn't take it all so personally, but I would address it prayerfully. I would see the solitude of being at home as an opportunity to learn more about prayer - to do it, enjoy it and realize that is probably the best impact I could be making most days.  His work in the world is enough. I would see that I can participate with him around the world by being mindful of my world and joyfully join him in it.  Instead I often saw being home as limiting, a trap - I was trying to find ways out to be important and useful.  I missed the opportunity that being home provided me - there was no one and nothing stopping me from seeking God and growing in my faith - except me.  I didn't do it.  I didn't do everything as onto Jesus.  I didn't take the time to be still, to listen, to learn to be faithful in the small things. I missed the blessing and so did my kids. 

I am praying more now.  If you are just starting the journey I encourage you to be prayerful.  It truly is the only thing that can change you or your children.  There is a time for books, experts, lectures and norms - but AFTER you have sought His face first.  I am getting better at seeking him first.  I am a slow learner though. 

Crazy Busy . . Time Flies. . Guest Post

Well friends.  I didn't realize it had been THIS long!  Yikes.  I have had lots of things happening but haven't really thought to post anything.  I am thankful for my friend Taylor Phillips from Fortify who asked me to write something on radical trust.  Joseph certainly fits into that category.

Our Vacation Bible School has been studying the life of Joseph. This story is taking hold of me. Joseph’s life is all about radical trust (and brokenness). Often, I think we hope that radical trust means that once we are “all in” we will have a smooth path towards our goal and life plan. We think if we just caught the vision we could withstand anything. Well, let’s review Joseph’s life.

to read the rest click on over to Fortify.  

I hope that you are enjoying your summer.

Walking into a Promise

I am still in Deuteronomy (maybe by the time I finish the book, I'll be able to spell it).  In Chapter 11 he tells the people to circumcise their hearts and follow him.  That chapter is really about preparing your heart and life for what he has for you.  Many of us have heard that message before. What caught my eye is in the next chapter.  The moment is REALLY here - they are about to go in and God is giving them instructions about entering in.

Many of us have dreams and promises that we know are God's heart for his people.  We believe that the call of the body of Christ is to be part of making all things new in the world around us.   We realize that we have been given certain gifts, life experiences, and personality traits that God can use to his glory.  We know that the Gospel changes lives. What happens when you start walking into the promise.  This is what God says:

1.  You shall tear down their altars and dash in pieces their pillars and burn their Asherim with fire. (Deut. 12:3) Faith in God alone (as Christians in Jesus' atoning work). As we enter into the promises he has given us, there are probably ways that aren't honoring to him in the land.  The Israelites faced real "false gods" we should anticipate nothing less.  However, it will look like wrong expectations, cheating, lying, just the way things are, the old boy network - whatever - all don't reflect God's vision of renewal and life.  You have to tear down those ways that don't speak to God's love and goodness for the people who are living in the "promised land" already (God doesn't command us to annihilate the people - his champion - Jesus - came to seek and save that which is lost - that's why we are entering the promised land.)  As we enter into difficult fields we can't let ANYTHING stand in our heart that does not point to Jesus and his saving work.  This is speaking truth to lies, justice to injustice, love to selfishness, grace to law and much more.  Idols and the old ways won't work in the renewing of the land.  We aren't fighting with people - we are renewing life in the midst of darkness and death.  You might end up doing unconventional things (witness Esther in the harem, Daniel as the chief astrologer and Jesus hanging out with prostitutes and tax collectors) but you should ALWAYS be yoked only to Jesus and following his lead. Other things can help people out (education, wealth, health) but only Jesus can save.

2.  But you shall seek the place that the Lord your God will choose out of all your tribes and put his name and make his habitation there.  (Deut. 12:5)    Obedience.  God has a plan for the renewal and promise to come to pass.  Are you seeking where God is or where demographic studies say you should be?  Are you seeking what God is choosing or what is trendy?  Are you inviting God to make his habitation in the midst of the promise and those he has called you to serve and love?  Are you willing to go where he sends you and how he sends you - or are you seeking your own way?  Is this issue even going to be settled in your tribe and are you the one called to do it?  Just because it seems to "fit" doesn't mean it is yours to do.  Ask?  Is God dwelling with you in this issue - is he renewing your mind with his thoughts towards his people and the situation?  Make sure you are going where God is and not hoping he will come bless your efforts at some side show!

3.  You shall not do according to all that we are doing here today, everyone doing whatever is right in his own eyes, for you have not as yet come into the rest and to the inheritance that the Lord your God is giving you.  (Deut. 12:8-9)   Sacrifice with incredible reward.  Before, as the Israelites wandered in the desert, they did as they pleased.  However, that must stop for them to gain the promise.  They will need to do what God has called them to do to receive his promises (thus the whole book of Deuteronomy reminding them of all of it).  However, do you see what God's rewards are - REST and and INHERITANCE!

As you walk into your promise you will REST.  That doesn't even make sense until you start doing it.  You see, God had a crazy battle plan- JERICHO - remember they just walked around and the walls came tumbling down.  They weren't prepared to fight after wandering in the desert - God told them their enemies were big from the start - so God gave them an easy plan.  Watch what God will do. This is not to say you are taking naps and sipping at the pool side.  But, if you are doing what God has called you into - he will open doors, create contacts, find funding and help you walk into his promise.  If you are following his battle plan you can rest that he has figured it all out and you don't have to - you can just follow and obey in this moment. There will be battles and it will be tough but if you are in his will he is fighting with you. If you are stressed and striving - you need to return to that habitation question.  His ultimate goal is that his peace, his right rule and reign, would be restored in that area of promise.

The second is inheritance.  In the Old Testament the physical land is the inheritance.  In the New Testament we receive eternal life as a result of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus and the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit and the gifts He provides.  See, Jesus died and rose again and when he did, he promised his people an inheritance. He willed us all we need for life and godliness.  Not only did he give us an inspired book; but also, the deposit of the Spirit of God in us.  The Spirit is what died in the garden when Adam and Eve ate of the fruit.  However, Jesus' sacrifice opened the door and did away with sin - once for all - so that the Holy Spirit could dwell in us again.  If you believe that Jesus died for your sins then the Spirit dwells in you. You are now a temple of the most high God!  That's why Jesus said it is better that I go away - because the Spirit will come to you.  Well, that seems like an incredible inheritance.  Our inheritance is secure: our work is to partner with God in helping others find the security and freedom we have in Christ.

Wow!  That sounds wonderful.  Often, we don't want to give up doing whatever is right in our own eyes though.  Plus, have you read some of the CRAZY steps of faith people were asked to take in the Bible?  They weren't following a cause or a good idea - they knew the God of the universe and were trusting in His character to complete what they knew they never could do. How much more do we know and understand because of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus and his Spirit in us?   Are we willing to give up our own ways to walk into the promises he has for us?  We need to be ready to do only what we see the Father doing.

I realize that these were real instructions given to a people for a specific time and place.  However, I think that there are some things we can glean for today as we hope to enter into some of the promises God has given us.

Seeking Him First and Failing Forward

Today I am in 1 Chronicles reading about David.  We just learned about his mighty men.  David is on top and a MUCH better king than Saul.  In fact, David wants to do the right thing before God, "Then let us bring again the ark of our God to us, for we did not seek it in the days of Saul." (1 Chron. 13: 3)  David wants to set up right relationship with God - he is putting God first.

So, he rolls out a new cart to carry the Ark back to its rightful place - in the center of everything.  The people are ecstatic - David is dancing; there is a party going on.  They are doing the right thing before God.  Then it happens. "Uzzah put out his hand to take hold of the ark, for the oxen stumbled." (1 Chron. 13:9)  You would have done the same thing - this is the ARK OF GOD - we aren't letting it fall to the ground.  God's response - he struck Uzzah dead.  Yep.  Died right on the spot.

This doesn't seem fair.  If you are trying to restore God to his right place why wouldn't he let this go - he was trying to save the ark - right?  Well, sort of.  You see, God was VERY specific about how the ark was to be transported - it was to be carried on poles that were specially made for this purpose.  David didn't get out the poles - he made his own way to return to God.  How often do we try to mix our ways with God's ways as we try to put him first?  God made a way - in Jesus - your lovely cart is not going to do it.  Follow his way.

Let's see how David responds.  

He was angry and afraid.  Honestly, I would be too.  I was trying to do the right thing and you killed my friend!  God had lashed out in what seemed like a really mean way.  So David thought, "How can I bring the ark of God home to me?"  (1 Chron. 13:12) 

Have you started to try and put God first - in the best way you know how - and everything starts falling apart?   You aren't alone.  This man "after God's own heart" tried to do the same and ended up hurt and disappointed.  In fact, he left the ark at a house nearby and went home without it.   The Lord blessed that household and, for a time, David missed the blessing.   God had made rules and David wanted the combo deal.  Can't do it!

This happens again and again in God's word.  Finally, someone's heart is right and he is ready to go for it and the first attempt is UTTER FAILURE.  Stephen, talking about Moses in the New Testatment explains, that "Moses supposed that his brothers would understand that God was giving them salvation by his hand, but they did not understand."  (Acts 7:25)  In fact, this is the point where Moses ends up in the desert for 40 years; because, they see him as a murderer as he defended a brother against the Egyptian oppressors.

What to say?

First, you will probably mess up BIG TIME.  That does not disqualify you.  Clearly, we know that this ark incident was not the worst thing David did.  If you are going to allow God to use you, expect to try and fail to follow him.   In fact, it shows that your heart is in the right place but you probably need to get more in synch with God's way of doing things - he is not Burger King - you can't have it your way.

Second, you will probably end up in "time out" with God.  That happens often in Scripture.  There is a high point, an aha moment and then - you end up without the ark, in the desert or next to a stream (Elijah).  You are thinking that you must have misheard?  You can't do any good now? Why was I such a fool to think God would use me?  Or, instead of questioning yourself, you might question God, with anger, fear or resentment.  All of this is part of the process.  Have you read the Psalms!  The question is  - will you decide to make God your steadfast rock and come out of the desert with him when it is time?  Moses didn't want to try again - but after the burning bush, he did.  David did figure out the right way to carry the ark and got it home again. 

In Deuteronomy, he is reviewing all the things that happened in the wilderness before the promised land and he explains, "the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart." (Deut 8:2)  Is that what is happening to you right now?  Are you finding yuck in your heart?  GREAT!!  Get it out of there - repent and trust in what Jesus did to atone for that.  Later in the passage he gives us encouragement, "that he might humble you and test you to do you good in the end." (Deut. 8:16) 

We are in the middle of the story.  Are we willing to trust that in the end GOD will do US GOOD?  After this reminder, God warns the people not to think that they came into the promised land on their own power.  You read the story and wonder - how could they forget?  Moses is gone 40 days and there is a calf at the base of the mountain.  How easily we forget?!  He uses these times to show us his character, our character and draw us to trust in him alone.  To remind us that the story is HIS and it is for HIS glory - not our comfort or our own glory.  God likes to use the foolish, lowly, crazy things of this world to advance his kingdom.  He is searching for those who are willing to put him in the center and fail forward.   Will you be willing to do that?

Warnings in the Waiting Time

Dueteronomy (did I lose you already) starts with a recap of the journey so far and some clear warnings.  I was surprised that God gave the same warning 3 times in the second chapter: "do not harass or contend".   The Israelites rejected the promise and then tried to take it on their own terms. They messed up big time.  As a consequence, God was going to take them back through lands that were promised to other tribes and peoples.  God warned them that this land was NOT their land and they were not to mess with the people as they passed through.  If you have kids this probably sounds familiar.  When my kids miss out on things they complain, whine, fight, might attempt to steal it back, try to take what they can get, debate, etc.  Essentially this is what God was expecting the disobedient Israelites to do.  I love looking in the 1828 dictionary for definitions:

harass - to weary, to fatigue to excess, to tease 
contend - to strive, to struggle in opposition 

So, what do you do when God isn't doing things your way?  What do you do in the waiting time? 

Instead of harassing and contending Moses told the people to pay for their food and drink, receive what they were given and follow God.   If you read the Bible people wait years, decades and potentially their whole lives for promises.  Hebrews 11 is a LONG list of people who lived their whole lives in expectation of the promise - and never saw it.  That is called faith.  Will you choose to trust God and follow?  Will you do this without fatiguing, harassing and striving against him or others to get your way?  Can you be patient and wait?  Will you walk into it when it is there (even if there are giants)?  Receive what you are given and follow.

In our own frustration and pain we might mess with others who seem to be blessed by God.  We want to disrupt what they have (harass and contend).  This is called jealousy and bitterness.  STOP!

Here is the deal about the inheritance on this side of the cross.  You get an inheritance when someone dies.  Jesus died and now we have the Holy Spirit as a deposit in us - the power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in us.  Our inheritance is secure.  There is room for all of us.  Land is a finite commodity - there is only so much.  But the inheritance we have in Christ is available to ALL - there is no limit and no reason to be jealous about what someone else has.  God has given us all a role and a place - Christ is the head and we are the body. Are we walking into what he has given us?  Are we living in the power of the Spirit and the promises he has made to us?  Are we trusting even when we can't see?

In the in between time, instead of harassing God for what you want and striving or contending for your own plan, I encourage you to think on your inheritance.  Lean into Jesus and his truth.  Learn more about the way of the cross. Get to know your Savior and Lord.  Come to understand what Isaiah 30:15, "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." Learn the ways of repentance - do it quickly and restore relationships around you (as much as it is up to you).  Rest - cease striving - believe that God is at work even if you can't see it and don't understand it.  This doesn't mean become a sluggard but it does mean to stop trying to qualify yourself and push yourself to the front.  Ahh, quietness. Well, I clearly have much to learn about that.  I hear that it helps you listen to his voice more than your own though!  Trust leading to strength - trusting in God's character, resources, promises - more than our own. Who is stronger in the end anyway??   You have a secure inheritance - learn to live in the wealth of what Christ has done on your behalf.  All else is less than. 

Do you know what happens when the Israelites do come back around to the promised land?  This: "The Lord our God gave him over to us, and we defeated him, his sons and all his people."  God conquered on behalf of this rag tag bunch of desert wanderers.  This is before crossing Jordan and the infamous Battle of Jericho - his is contending for them when they follow his commands and desire to walk into his promises.  Only God!

Thoughts on Self Control

Self control is a real struggle.  I am constantly trying to find control, control myself, encouraging young ones around me to control themselves.  Then, I realized that I have a worldly definition of this word - not a Biblical understanding.  I am still trying to figure out what all the implications of this shift are for me and mine.  

Let's talk science for a minute.  Remember when you started doing experiments there was always the "control".  The control is the thing that you compared your experiment to so that you could notice the change that occurred as a result of your work.  That is closer to the original definition of control.  In the 1828 dictionary the primary definition of control is "a book, register or account, kept to correct or check another account or register."  The secondary definition gets into what we think of more often - to check, restrain, or govern.  

So the issue with self control is twofold.  First, there is a standard.  Second, that your "self" compares itself to that standard and needs to meet it.  So which standard is your control?  Which law?  How are you going to keep that account correct?  How are you checking yourself? 

Here's the deal.  Most of us check ourselves (and our kids) against a standard that will make us fail every time.  It is called "law" or morality and maybe sometimes doctrine.  Often these laws are cultural norms that we don't even realize we believe.  Sometimes they are even Biblical ideas.  In our pursuit of meeting this standard we do one of two things.  Some of us choose "laws" that we can easily meet or pretend there is no law - I make my own laws.  God is pretty clear that he has written laws on our hearts and that you can't change them.  We think this method can work, for a while.  

I tend to err on the other side and add "extra" laws, like the Pharisees, to make sure that we don't get close to breaking the "big laws".  We say to ourselves, as Eve explained, God said don't even touch it.  Wait!  That's not what God said.  Eve added that extra bit in there.  That's what we do to help us stay out of trouble with the law and show "self control".  These "extra rules" help us feel like we have self control and are meeting the standard. This is also not a permanent fix.  We will fail when the "control" we choose is law.  We can't make it work. We can't be perfect enough. It will crush us.  We know that God's perfect law is the right standard but . . . 

all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.  Romans 3:23 

On our own terms, our way to "self control" is to either minimize the standard or set up extra standards to keep us safe.  But both fail and crush us. If we can't change the law - how will we meet the standard?  If we believe in the grace, mercy and the blood of Jesus - it's a totally different ball game.  If you have faith in Jesus instead of the law you can rest easy - he took care of it.  He fulfilled all of the law in your place.  His standard was perfection, he met it - every dot and tittle.  When you trust in Jesus you trade your mess for his glory.  He did it.  It is finished.  

and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  Romans 3:24

"Justified" - just as if you never fell short, your report card and the control or standard match!  

"Freely by his grace"  it wasn't free for Jesus (keep reading - "God presented Christ as a sacrifice, of atonement, through the shedding of his blood" Romans 3:25)  But you can't pay for it, it is "to be received by faith" Romans 3:25.

Redemption - another word for that is ransom - Jesus paid the ransom with his blood 

This sounds ridiculous.  How can we just "trade" like that?  Why would the system be set up this way?  One reason for the law was to show us our need for Jesus.  We need a standard and his perfect law shows us that we can't "control" ourselves to meet that standard.  Thank you Jesus!  This is the folly of grace and the difficulty of the Gospel.  He perfectly fulfilled the standard for "self control" according to the law.  Not only that, he did one better and leaves us a deposit called the Holy Spirit.  The same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead, if you believe in that, lives in you and still works in the world today. 

If there is a standard that we can't reach it on our own - only through Jesus - then why does Galatians say to have self control?  

Well the two parts of control are a standard and a way to meet that standard.  Are you beginning to see why self control is a fruit of the Spirit?  Our goal is NOT to meet the legal standard to show self control - Jesus did that for us because we never could.  Our new "control" is to match ourselves with the Holy Spirit.  

This is a totally different way of approaching self control.  It is not about trying harder, doing more, denying yourself.  It is about tapping into the resurrection power of Christ available to us through the Holy Spirit and walking in line with that.  There is no law against what the Spirit of God will tell you to do - he leads us into all truth.  Leading a "self controlled" life is about aligning yourself to the Spirit as your standard - not the law.  It is also about teaching your kids the same. 

Take a look at Acts to get a sense of what this might look like.  Towards the end of his journey Paul talks about how he has no problems with his conscience.  Why is this?  Was he perfect?  The Jews were irate about this because clearly he wasn't fulfilling the standard of the law.  Paul had a different control -  the Holy Spirit. He knew he had walked in step with the Spirit and allowed the spirit to check, restrain (don't go to Asia) and govern him.  When he doesn't walk in step, he repents.  

Over and over again in Romans Paul explains how this freedom from the law is not an invitation to license but an open door to life with God.  If you are still trying to show self control by living according to the law, morality or straight doctrine and you are a Christian you are trying to re-do what Christ did for you.  STOP!!!   Christian "self control" is about following the Spirit as our standard and allowing his life in us to be our guide. 

Dyslexia Journey . . . Finding the Source

Well I have been caught up in affairs around my house.  We realized our 8 yo son is dyslexic.  In the fall we watched Barton's videos and both my husband and I thought - well, maybe.  As we started thinking about enrolling him in school and talking with teachers for that age group we realized he is behind.  I am a "better late than early" kind of person, but he wasn't moving forward - even with some of the reading programs they suggest for dyslexics.  Granted, I did not implement all of the multi-modal stuff in my house, but still he wasn't remembering basic phonograms. Some of the red flags for us were fairly unsteady handwriting, skipping vowels in his spelling, still confusing the b and d (even in cursive - really!), not remembering simple words from one page to the next, having to sound out EVERY single word (the, but, and).  It was time to take action.

I am certainly no expert, but I love to research.  I have been reading books about teaching reading - for fun - before I had children.  That's why we taught cursive first and used an orton-gillingham based program!   Nonetheless, my child needs more help.

Vision Therapy

One of the first things to determine is if this is an eye tracking/teaming, focusing type issue or if this is a cognitive auditory processing issue.  My son can track words on a page, doesn't tire easily from trying to read, doesn't rub his eyes, etc.  I have a friend whose daughter had the tools to read but her eyes were having trouble tracking.  Another friend said her son had letters waving at him on the page.  These are the thing we don't even think to ask our kids.  So ASK YOUR CHILD what is happening on the page when they read.  You might be surprised.  Both of the friends mentioned above have their children in visual therapy and it has made a HUGE difference for them.  Some say that visual therapy can help most dyslexics - I really don't know what to say.  If your child seems to get the "process of reading" but tires easily or explains to you that the words are blurry or dancing or whatever - check into visual therapy.

Irlen Syndrome - Color Therapy 

Others talk about Irlen syndrome.  This has to do with how the brain deals with light and contrasts.  To solve this issue you should try the colored overlays.  They help to reduce glare and eye strain so that kids can read more successfully.  We did try this - briefly - but my son thought I was crazy thinking these things would help him.  So, that wasn't the right solution for us.  However, it has been very helpful to many people.  It is certainly worth trying.

Auditory Processing Issues 

Some children have trouble distinguishing the sounds being made so that they can separate them into their smallest unit.  Most dyslexics have this to some extent.  I honestly think my older son has some issues but because he did intense speech therapy for a year it helped him to match the sound and visual representations of those sounds (he still can't spell).  If your child doesn't seem to be able to produce or understand the difference between similar sounding sounds (th/v) etc. this might be the level you are at.  You can look into speech therapy programs that help you understand how to place the mouth to say different sounds and then teach your child learn how to produce those sounds properly and tie them to the letters we use to represent those sounds.   Lindamood Bell LiPS program does exactly this.  Although he does struggle with a few sounds this doesn't seem to be the root of his issue either.

Right Brain Children

Then I started reading about right brain children.  This seemed to fit my son VERY well.  He did have great spatial ability, he loved to draw and thinks in pictures, and he talked about how he could "flip" things around in his head.  Who knew?  I don't think this way.  As I read it became obvious that most of these kids aren't really ready to start reading until they are about 8 and it takes them time - just like everyone - to figure it out.  This fit into what my reading specialist friend said that around 4th or 5th grade her students began to "click" more with reading - they were now developmentally ready to do it.  The book The Dyslexic Advantage spoke right to my child's strengths.  It also explains how it might be a bit more than just "right brain/ left brain" issue.   The main take away is that my child does actually see and think about the world differently and I need to understand that! 

Following this thread led me to Dianne Craft and her right brain reading information.  She comes out of school setting and is trying to help kids be as successful as they can be in a school setting.  She uses visual memory to help students learn words.  We tried this some with my son and it was helping some.  We also got her book on Brain Integration Therapy.  Some of my friends had tried Brain Balance and similar programs and I figured - this couldn't hurt.  It was worth a try.  We have only been doing it for about 2 weeks and it made a difference the FIRST DAY.  His handwriting was a teeny bit improved.  We are trying to do it faithfully - but Spring Break!  Yesterday, I thought we would just do his reading exercises and we didn't do the brain exercises first.  Normally, he makes only one mistake in his dictation (at a kindergarten level).  Yesterday, he tried six times until he got it right!?  There is something to this brain integration therapy.  I honestly think the exercises are fairly similar to some of those used in vision therapy.  It is a focus on crossing the mid line and getting your eyes and fingers to track properly. 

Building on this brain difference we moved into the book The Gift of Dyselxia by Ronald Davis.   The Davis method has some controversy about its effectiveness.  However, this is the book that encouraged me to start asking my son about how he sees the world and realizing that he does see life in pictures and is really a visual learner.  The Davis program teaches kids how to stop spinning the words in their head and find a fixed point so that they can read from that point.  They also model all the letters and words in clay and learn the definitions of the "little words" that cause dyslexics such trouble - because they can't "see" what the word means.  It sounds a little wacky but it also is how my son thinks!

We met with the Davis specialist in our community.  She has been teaching for over 30 years and founded a special needs school in our community.  She is dyslexic and taught using orton-gillingham methods for years.  It wasn't until she did the Davis program when her daughter was diagnosed that she saw a huge change in her own reading ability and comfort.  She had made it through grad school struggling to read but after doing the work of Davis she now enjoys reading.  Their program is a one week intensive with long term homework (1 to 2 years)!!  We have decided to try this path for now. 

This doesn't even touch on the "learning to read" part.  That is a whole different issue and I will address it.  So far I have learned that dyslexic kids truly do think differently and develop on a different time table.  They have to work really hard to be able to do the essential task of reading (most interventions are intensive and take at least 2 years!).  I am so blessed that we have had him at home so that his difficulty reading has not stopped his learning.  We haven't spent tons of time focusing on his weaknesses, we have been able to develop his strengths.  We are just beginning this journey but hopefully some of what we have learned so far can help you as well. 

Misunderstanding Comfort

I have been thinking about comfort recently.  I have known many people who need comfort - sickness, death, bad news in general, tough times.  Today, I realized my struggle with comfort.  I have confused the verb with the noun. 

The verb comes from the Latin word for "strength".  From the 1828 dictionary it means "to strengthen, to invigorate, to cheer and enliven". 

The noun means "relief from pain; ease; rest or moderate pleasure after pain, cold or distress or uneasiness of body".  The second definition explains how this can also apply to mental anguish.  Often we really are aiming at being comfortable again, "being in a state of ease or moderate enjoyment". 

Do you see the problem? 

Often when I try to "comfort" people I think my goal is to help return them to that state of ease or rest.  Well, you can't go back.  It makes me think of Job's friends, whom he chastises:

"I have heard many things like these;
     you are miserable comforters, all of you!
Will your long winded speeches never end?
     What ails you that you keep on arguing?"    Job 16:1 -2

Remember, the best thing Job's friends did was show up and BE QUIET with him in his misery.  It was when they started talking that all of these unhelpful things spewed forth. 

When we truly speak comfort we need to be giving people the courage and strength they need to bear under their new circumstances.   Focusing on the why me? if only? should I have? don't bring comfort.  Neither does blame, shame or guilt.  There is room for Godly repentance (depending on the circumstances) but it is the Holy Spirit who brings conviction - that's not your job. 

What is our role then?  Comforting people means that they leave with a renewed strength and faith in God.  They are reminded that He never leaves us or forsakes us. That in their weakness, he will show up, be faithful, love them, lead them, care for them and be bigger than they are.  It isn't our timetable or our path - it is learning to walk in step with Him.

At the end of the passage Job reveals the best thing we can do.

My intercessor is my friend, as my eyes pour out tears to God;
on behalf of a man he pleads with God as one pleads for a friend.   Job. 16:21

The intercessor is the one who moves or passes between two people - who mediates.  A good friend takes us to Jesus when we can't get there ourselves.  A good friend cuts a hole in a roof so that you can get close to Jesus.  Praise God if you have friends who will stop at nothing to help you see Jesus (even if you end up in a sycamore tree).  He can forgive sin and heal every hurt.

We live on the other side of the cross so we have this comfort - Jesus is interceding for us.  Beyond that, we are promised that "the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."  Romans 8:26 

If you are at the wordless groaning stage - know that you are not alone.  Remember, one of the names for the Holy Spirit is the Comforter. 

If we truly want to comfort others, let us give them the strength to face whatever is up ahead.  Remembering their comfortable life or trying to return there too quickly (or ever) will do nothing to help them in their current place of pain. Let us lean into intercession, trusting that bringing our friends to Jesus will bring them the comfort they need to walk the road ahead.  Pray for them and mean it!

Burning the good

Today I read the calling of Elijah to Elisha.  I thought this would be some great event - pomp and circumstance.  What I read was shocking.  Read it for yourself:

And he (Elijah) said to him (Elisha), "Go back again, for what have I done to you?"  And he (Elisha) returned from following him and took the yoke of oxen and sacrificed them and boiled their flesh with the yokes of the oxen and gave it to the people, and they ate.  Then he arose and went after Elijah and assisted him.  (2 Kings 19:21

Wait.  He did what?  He killed his source of income and burnt the yokes too.  Shouldn't he have sold them, left him for his parents or neighbors, shared them with his friends, DONE SOMETHING good with what he had been given.  Friends, he did the BEST thing- he sacrificed it all to God, celebrated with his family and followed God's calling for him.

In our practical minds this is crazy (shouldn't she have sold that perfume instead of putting it on Jesus' feet).  We think that we can bring all that we have "learned" or "earned" from our practical lives into our spiritual life.  We can't!  Friends, he didn't get rid of his sins - he burned his livelihood!  ALL OF YOUR OWN EFFORTS ARE LIKE FILTHY RAGS (even the ones that won you awards, got you promoted, were helpful to others, made you feel valuable).  Elisha wasn't burning up his "problem areas" he was sacrificing his livelihood.  All of those ways that used to support us - like Elisha's oxen - need to be burned up.  Given over. Lost to you in the old way FOREVER.  We get handing over our sins - but are we ready to hand over our strengths, achievements, blessings?

You know what you should do - throw a party.  You are giving up on your own way of doing it and throwing party over the ashes and carcass of your old self.  Jesus does it EVERY time.  There is lots of partying in the New Testament and most of the time it is when people turn, repent and are made whole in him.   When they give it up.  When the lost are found.  When they realize all they have is Christ.

See, if you aren't ready to kill your oxen and burn your yoke - you aren't really ready to walk in the full newness of life yoked to Jesus.  You have Christ plus something else.  That never works in the long run - you can't serve two masters.  I am not saying this is the "easy" way and it is HARD to give it all up. Can't we just walk a middle road, keep the "good stuff" - nope!  That's called being double minded (double souled) or maybe lukewarm.  Do you remember how he vomits you out in that situation?  What you see as okay enough, somewhat helpful, not so bad is NOT GOD'S BEST.  God's best is burning ALL of the old way (whether the world thought it was good or not) and following the man of God.  For Elisha it was Elijah - for you it is Jesus Christ. 

That's what he said to Peter (who left his nets with an incredible catch of fish) - I will make you fisher's of men.  I will use what you know - but you have to leave ALL the old way and learn how to walk with me - then, then it can all be restored unto you in ways you can't even fathom.  Those oxen and yokes were your best efforts.  However, as you walk with your creator and the lover of your soul you realize what is TRUE about you. He created you-  he knows you best - let him tell you what you as a new creation truly are to him and the world.  Then you will know your true identity - the one in Christ that can't be lost.  What this process looks like will vary - but the result will be losing your life for his sake and finding it in him for all eternity.  An amazing exchange.

As we enter into this season of Lent, may I encourage you to lay it all on the altar and walk clean and free into Resurrection Sunday - knowing that whatever you had before is NOTHING compared to what you have in the risen life of Christ. 

Change and Challenge

Today was the last Sunday.  I have worshiped with the same congregation for the past 6 1/2 years and LOVED it.  Oh, we had our moments but they are beautiful people seeking the Lord.  They helped me remember that the Gospel is not about me - it is about what Christ has done.  I was able to teach their children, study with the women, commiserate in parenting, watch us all grow, sing and laugh, cry and pray.  Last year, about this time, they announced they were launching a church plant in our area - with a good friend of ours as head pastor.  We knew we had to go.  This is the longest I have been with one group (school, church, job, etc); excepting the church I grew up in.  It is hard to say goodbye - so many good things.

This is the last semester.  Likewise, we will be ending the homeschool journey, for now, for some of my kids.  Recently, Facebook reminded me that I posted about the school my boys will be going to attend in 2012.  Yes, I have been waiting for about 6 years - hoping and fearing - that the school would come our way.  Now, it has.  One of my favorite charter school models is opening a school 10 minutes from our house.  It's like having a community school with an educational model that I love.  I have had my kids at home with me - just about everyday - for almost 12 years.  It's been a blessing, a challenge, overwhelming, tiring and amazing.   (I went on a retreat a few weeks ago and it was the first time I had been away from my whole family for over 48 hours - in 11 years!) 

Both of these things are JUST RIGHT but not easy.  Leaving the church that I love (although there are about 40 people going with us) is not easy.  Leaving days of freedom, parks and play for someone else's structure is hard.  I still believe in homeschooling - but this season my kids will be in school.

Both of these new groups will require building and work.  A new church and a new school - ground up construction.  They both have formats in place - liturgies, curricula and schedules.  We get to be a part of breathing life into them - from bones to life.  What a challenge?  What a privilege?  So glad we have a big God! 

For someone who has lived in the same town for 20 years you would think I would have settled by now. So many of us felt like we would find our "normal" and it would stay that way.  I don't think that is what God has for us - at all.  How would we grow, change, be challenged, rejoice and mourn if everything went as we hoped and planned?  If our plan is working - why do we need God?  If we can answer all the questions that come our way - why do we need wisdom?  I realize that my current "challenges" are truly joy compared to my friends who are facing disease, death, distance from children and family, addiction, deployment, unemployment and more.  My heart is with you!

I have learned the blessing of keeping in touch with people from all seasons of my life and enjoying their fellowship.  It is wonderful to watch what God is doing in and through them, even when we don't see each other as frequently.  Just because I don't see you doesn't meant that I am not thinking about you and praying for you. 

Praying that if seasons are changing for you that you can enjoy the bittersweet.  Rejoice and remember the good and trust in God for the next step.  May he be the lamp unto your feet.

Update: My husband fixed our water softener TODAY.  Turns out a line was loose (imagine that happening with 3 boys playing in the garage) and that's why water and salt were spilling all over our garage.  It was hardly even a "fix".  Glad it is done.

What makes you sad??

This morning our Christian Education class read the Rich Young Ruler story.  Most of us are familiar with it - the young ruler justifies himself because he has been following the law.  Then Jesus says you are just missing one thing - sell all you have and follow me.  The Ruler didn't see that coming.  One class member mentioned that he wasn't coming to Jesus with a need - Jesus always met people who came knowing their need and ready to receive.  He came with an agenda and Jesus wasn't going to play that game.

What struck me was this line:

But when he (the rich young ruler) heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.  Luke 18: 23 

Surely, we would all do better - right?  If you want to know what your idols are just figure out what would make you cry if you had to give it up.  See, the ruler wasn't a bad ruler.  Apparently, he was pretty decent - he seemed to keep most of the Commandments at least.  But he wasn't ready to put Jesus first and follow him only.  He went away sad.  Jesus didn't run after him.  You see if anything makes you more sad than you being out of relationship with Jesus than that thing might have to go.  YIKES! I think many of us have been asked a similar question at some point:

What do you love more __________ or me?  
Are you willing to leave _________ behind to go my way?  

Maybe you have stalled out in your relationship with Jesus because you chose riches, respectability, intelligence, friendship, family or other things over God.  You will see that Jesus commends Peter who has left behind his life for Jesus.  The rich young ruler begins by asking "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"   As another class member pointed out - you can't do anything to get your inheritance.  The question doesn't even make much sense!?   At the end of the passage Jesus confirms to Peter that he will "receive many times more in this time and in the age to come eternal life" - now that's an inheritance. 

Check yourself!  Are you harboring idols? Consider what would make you sad if you were asked to leave it behind.  I can't promise what will happen if you give it up.  Sometimes God gives it back like he did to Abraham where "On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided". Are we ready to give up what is most near and dear to us?  Do we trust that what God has for us is better than what we are clinging to?  That his ways lead to eternal life.

Peter is getting the inheritance here and in the kingdom to come - a relationship with the living God.  It can't get much better than that - no matter what comes your way.   Doing it your own way won't bring your inheritance.  Your inheritance is already secure by the cross of Jesus and his resurrection life.  You have to be willing to believe and follow him where he leads - not your own way.  It is a better way, but you might be sad for a while as you mourn what you thought you had.

Hoping you are ready to receive the inheritance that you can't earn.

Lost Metaphors: Are you salty??

Today is a quick look at salt - not exhaustive.  Of course, something broke around here to help illustrate the point.  Normally, it breaks after my post, but this needed to break before so that I could understand just how important SALT is.  I am not going to cover all of the uses and value of salt - but here is one that you probably haven't thought about too much. 

A few weeks ago our water softener broke.  We have a bunch of salt on our garage floor (probably wearing it away) and hard water in our pipes now.  In south Texas we have HARD water.  The kind that clogs up lines, can break down machines, leaves remnants on everything so clean glasses look dirty.  It is obvious when the salt isn't there.  I honestly don't know what the salt does, but something magical apparently. 

 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.   Matthew 5:13 

So the question is, if you are the salt of the world, does your part of the world get gunked up when you aren't around?  Are you speaking truth and life so that people can have clear lines of communication with each other and God?  Are you helping people who are breaking down?  Are you with people in the mess of life? 

A little bit of salt does a lot of good for our pipes.  Without salty people in our lives we can tell something is wrong, but we can't always identify what it is.  We need people who speak truth, life, challenge and love to us.  We need those who comfort and are present with us in the midst of the junk or our lives.  No, you probably can't fix it.  That's not the point of the salt.  The point of the salt is to help keep further problems from happening.  Those that stem from guilt, fear, unforgiveness, disdain, distance.  Salt can help make sure that there aren't further breakdowns and a long lasting residue as a result of the trials and difficulties of life.  The salt helps clear out the lines, lend an ear, speak a prayer, encourage forgiveness and more instead of letting the residue of sin build up and break down. 

Salt will NEVER be able to fix the problem but without it problems get a lot worse.

Stay salty!!

Fortresses, not Bubbles, for our kids

Happy New Year!!! 

Last year my word was SHED and it happened -  let me tell you!   It wasn't easy to let go, but it was good. 

My word for this year is REFUGE.  

I honestly have no idea what to think about that.  Am I to be a refuge?  Will I need to take refuge?  I just don't know - we shall see.  This I do know - this verse is in my thoughts constantly:

Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress,
    and for their children it will be a refuge.   Proverbs 14:26 

It just hits me in so many ways.  I have walked in fear of the wrong thing- sometimes without realizing it - for long stretches of my life.  That was one thing God helped me shed last year.  It is easier to let go of something if you have a new thought pattern or habit to help you move forward.  This one tells me where to direct that fear - towards the Lord.  Not necessarily in an "angry God" kind of way, although sometimes we need that too; but in a putting God in his rightful place - awe, wonder, majesty, grace, love.  Be overwhelmed by that this year - for your sake and for your kids!   

Look back up at Proverbs, did you see what that fear does?  It builds a fortress!  You need a fortress when you are in a battle.  We are hoping that building a bubble around our kids will keep them safe.  People, bubbles burst - they need a fortress!!  The goal of parenting is to release them into the world.  Spoiler alert - the world is not safe - it is yucky, hard, unpredictable, and just tough.  It is wise to keep them safe for a time (apps, friends, limits, etc.); however, they are going to need more than that.  They are watching to see what to do when the bubble bursts. Where do you turn when yuck happens?  When the hard comes?  Do you go to Facebook? a real book? google the problem? drink, drugs? food? video games and TV shows? crafting? a friend or parent? ignore it and hope for the best? run away? anger? fear? offer platitudes? work harder? All of these (might) have their place, but if they don't see us crack a Bible, pray for help, cry a little, get a bit of righteous anger going on, read Psalms for comfort and strength, ask friends to pray with us - they will not know they can turn to God with the yuck.  They will find refuge in the WRONG things - not a secure fortress but shifting sand and unsteady waves.  They will lead bubble lives - ready to pop any second.  

Promises like this help: 

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.    Romans 8:38

As you read that, did you remember whose you are?  That's the kind of "fear" we want - the overwhelming grip of God's love on our kid's lives and our own.  This truth builds a fortress, not a bubble.  Let life come at you because you are part of the eternal story of the God of the universe and you are secure in him alone.  Here's the deal.  We need refuge; they will need refuge.  This world is not getting easier to live in.  However, when we live in the fear of the Lord, when (not if) we are afraid we will turn to him - because he is bigger than ALL of this mess! That's the hope we can hold out to our children.  That's the Gospel - the good news - Jesus lived this crazy life too - he gets it and HE OVERCAME IT ALL - yes that's what the resurrection means.  In fact, Jesus is interceding for them as their advocate at the right hand of the Father (Romans 8:34).  What better refuge is there????  There is an accuser - but it is not God. 

Are you building a secure fortress by showing them where to flee - into His word, into the fellowship of believers, to the throne of God?  

Where are you teaching them to run in times of trouble?  

In my house we have a print of this picture: 

 

It's Rembrandt's "The Return of the Prodigal Son".   That's what I want for my kids.  If they find themselves eating slop with the pigs, I want them to remember their good Father God who is WATCHING for them to return home and RUNS to welcome them back.  One shoe on and one shoe off - he embraces them and celebrates their return. If their friends end up in the slop - I hope that they can usher them back to a loving father as well.  I want to add, that the older brother isn't better.  He doesn't understand the love of the father in the story and maybe ever.  Kids who are dutiful but don't know their father well enough to ask for a fatted calf lack a refuge as well. They may look better, but they have built their own fortress - pride, judgement, disdain, achievement - it's a culturally acceptable bubble and it will burst. 

May we build ourselves up in the word this year, so that our fear of the Lord may serve as a refuge for our children.  Praying that this year we will be fortress builders, not bubble builders.